No need to feel

I feel shitty. I woke up this morning and my day was kind of bright. I was happy because i slept well and for long. I had a good day, good lunch, good cake and chilled. After that things got shit pretty quick. I don't really know whether, i just have issues or am i actually depressed. I can spend a day with a tear flickering in my eye. Normally, it would just be over nothing or something that happened ages ago and when i come to think of it, i have never had a whole good day in my life. Never. Something always gets it my way. Circumstances in my life have made me feel unhappy even when i was happy. I feel like sometimes i force myself to be sad because i don't deserve to ever be happy. We all deserve to be happy but because of all i've gone through i don't think like that. I have to tell that to myself every morning. Sometimes, i think and i wish that the only issue i would have is drama with friends and new show fails. Just be a normal kid. I wish i could just decide to walk out my house and who travel the world and see all the beauty the world has to offer but everyday i have to wake up to the shame shitty world i was in the last night and it sucks. Constantly i feel like i have to prove something or be something but in my dreams i live a world full of hope and love and i rarely cry but when i do i always have someone there to make me feel better. In this world everyone is too busy with their own problems to look at someone who they have never seen before. I feel their pain, understand how they feel. Thats why i write this blog, to get all my sadness or anger out of the world. To let people know my opinions so that i don't keep them to myself and drown in my sorrows. I can never get to a place of suicide because it's like i'm telling people what i feel. But is it enough. Don't you need to hear someone else's opinions on a situations. Saying it on a blog is like talking to yourself but there is no answer. Even though someone might read it they never know the whole story which really hurts sometimes.

It's weird how people don't talk about mental well being enough even though it physically hurts. You feel an emptiness. It's a feeling you can't explain but it's a horrible feeling. It's like anxiety and a stab in the stomach with a mixture of the downs. It's horrible.

Evil vs Authority

Evil

What is the definition of evil? The direct definition of evil is profoundly immoral or wicked or extremely unpleasant. Wrongdoing has been profound in the history of human kind. That is the key difference between humans and animals. For example, animals kill for nature. They need to kill for survival for life. For human’s it is completely different. Humans sometimes kill for food but in human nature we have reached to a point where majority of the world’s population do not need to hunt to eat. We have reached a point of where we can walk into a store and get varieties of foods, drinks and the rest. That’s not important though. That is just a little idea of how we don’t need meat.

Evil is intentionally hurting or harming someone without purpose. That is intentionally kicking a friend because you felt like it. That is killing an animal without reason neither ideas to eat the animal. So what are we? Why don’t we act like other creatures. Animals act in their nature so does that mean that us humans and murder is a big part of our nature. Were we born to kill? Or a we just trying to be better? This is exactly the ideas that Golding had on the book lord of the flies where a bunch of boys from around the 60s ended up crashing onto an island trying to escape from a war and as they tried to survive on the island. Majority of the boys became controlling, cruel, evil. They picked on the weakest and ended up killing them also. Bearing in mind these young boys were no older than 12.

Maybe society and technology is stopping us from showing our true nature. Maybe we are all just evil inside and layers and layer of leaders and love and society is covering up our true nature. Our reality. There was an experiment in the 70s where it was meant to last for 2 weeks which had to be stopped by 6 days and it was a bunch of students who were separated into 2 groups the guards and prisoners and still today this is very controvertial. The guards instantly and throughout the 6 days were mistreating the “prisoners and being increadibly harsh on them. Which brings me to my next idea “authority”.

Most of our influences come from who is leading us. Who is in power and what are they telling us? We are always given a book of laws and told to follow them and if we refuse we get punishments. This makes you really start to think. Right now there is probably nowhere on earth without the simple rules. Do not kill ect. If you are told certain rules since the day we were born is there any other way to live. Even though we don’t realise it we are built on fear. We are told not to do this and that and if we refuse to listen we are criminalised and given a punishment. No way am I saying that these laws and rules are not good but lets say that all the laws of your country would be refused straight away. Lets say there was no authority giving us ideas and laws what would happen? Would there just be chaos and danger?

I strongly believe that humans are born evil and society and life in general makes us good or evil. I have two examples from history and these were both during the same period of time. The first was Nazi Germany. The first thing is nearly all of the German men and women never said anything about the Jewish community and some ratted out the people who were helping the Jewish. How did Hitler make all the people from Germany hate Jews. How did they make all the people of Germany hate communists. How? The one question is how could no one say anything or were people too tired and too hungry and too weak to say hang on this is not okay. This is wrong. To fully understand this you need to understand that Hitler ruled with fear. He killed and destroyed those who refused to comply with his rules.

However if we remove that factor of cruelty then we realise that if all the people in Germany stood up for their minorities then the holocaust might not have happened.

You can understand this ideology from an experiment a teacher carried out around the 60s. This was where she separated the class into 2. For people with blue eyes and those with brown eyes. Then the teacher told the students with blue eyes that they were better that the students with brown eyes. Straight after the one’s with the blue eyes picked on the children with the brown eyes and also refused to sit with them during lunch hours. These were impressionable children. They listened to authority and straight after began to mistreat the brown eyed children just because someone told them that they were as valued.

This makes you realise that maybe someone who is influencial and strongly respected needs to tell you that this is wrong and this is right for someone to listen and actually follow up the requests. We are what we are told to be. There is no such thing a unique because we are always influenced by something or someone. Which brings we back to evil. Maybe to be evil you need to be born evil and also need to be told to be evil. Maybe a part of your brain needs to be activated for you to be evil but if you are loved and cared for maybe that part of your brain won’t activate and you’ll be just fine.

That leaves me with a question for each and every one of you to think of.

What about women? A staggering 80% of more men are the killer and the rest is women?

Why are women less likely to be evil?

Is it nurture or nature?

But that’s another story to tell.

IS THIS ALL THEIR IS TO LIFE?

Sometimes, I sit by myself in my room and think about my life. Wake up at 6:00 watching tv, while having breakfast while checking my homework then showering brushing teeth at 7:00 and then getting dressed watch tv from the time i finish till 8:00 go to school come home watch tv or do homework go to sleep repeat. My life is an on going circle of the same old crap. I need a meaning a reason to live. I have big ambitions for a tight life. I don't see myself in a boring life. I see myself making music, living my life to the fullest exploring the world or the universe and just enjoying everyday as it is.

But, i'm stuck here is a depressing circumstance of crappy days. I just want to experience it all. I want to do it all. I want to be everything and enjoy my whole life! Instead i feel depressed and isolated. I just want to be myself. I'd rather be spending my day seeing the wonders of the world then spend the whole night watching the sky and then seeing the sun set than sitting here and repeating the same whole thing everyday! Why can't i experience it all. It's unfortunate my life. I see other people's lives and i just think to myself i wish my life was like there's because even if i wanted to today i would never get the chance of doing all i love.

I want to be myself and not be hated or ignored because of it. I want to sing from the top of my lungs and seeing the northern lights. I want to go to everest and see the beauty i want to ride a bullet train, i want to run across lavender filled hills and go under water and see the beautiful sea creature. I want to jump out of a plane and i want to go to dubai and sleep in an under water hotel. I want to enjoy every day and not feel sorry for my worthless life.

The only highlight on my days are my friends and family. If i didn't have them i probably wouldn't have a reason to live. There was an article released by gov.uk on how many children in the uk who are unhappy with their lives and thats a staggering  In 2013, there were an estimated 

12 million children aged 0 to 15, nearly a fifth of the UK population.Research from The Children’s 

Society has shown that a significant minority of UK children suffer from low well-being, which 

impacts on their childhood and life chances, and their families and communities (The Children’s 

Society, 2014). 

That shows that many children never get the chance to choose their way of life and that people have to stick to school to be happy in future. But how to do this you will grow get good grades live a horrible life and get a low paying job get kids and never experience anything. I don't want this. I want to do it all. It's hard seeing music videos of the perfect holidays or adventures and you have to settle to watching other people's lives.

I think that's why people watch reality tv or vloggers because their lives aren't satisfying enough so they watch other people's lives because they like dream. People like to dream. 

I wish i could do more, but money, visa's, crisis, school, society always come in the way and we all have to live the life we have been given without trying to experience everything.

Life should be about enjoying every last second not living in a society but doing your own thing. My motto when i'm able to enjoy every last part of this world we were blessed with.

Domestic Abuse

(This is a touchy subject so i'll try to be as formal as i can so as not not offend anyone reading)

There has been many debates around the world about what domestic abuse is and when is it a crime.

In the Uk its is domestic abuse if

You have been hit – Physical Abuse

You have been called names and treated badly and mean – Emotional Abuse

You have been forced into sexual acts which is anything from kissing to sending pictures by force or full on bondage also including oral – Sexaul Abuse/ Rape

In this matters it doesn’t matter whether your close or the woman/man is your friend it is illegal and can have jail time depending on the judge or jury.

In many countries around the world people are fighting to stop violence in homes, as they are most hardest cases to solve or help as they are on a deep personal level.

In Cambodia women are fighting for their rights because the police can’t do anything about it unless the woman bleeds and I say that because in Cambodia there is more likely to be a woman treated in Domestic Abuse than a man. It is actually quite rare for a man to be in the situation but it does happen.

We need to end this but it doesn't start big it starts with one person speaking up for their rights.

I am scared,

I really am! Everything in my life is not the best right now and i honestly know i'm scared. I wish i could open up on this post and say my entire life story but not know. I haven't accomplished  anything!!  I feel like im never gonna accomplish anything and what scares me more is not even being able to try.

I feel cold, I feel like i could break at any point of time. Sometimes i am in a lesson and i'm thinking about screaming like what if i just screamed right now and cried so hard. Would anyone hold me? Would anyone make me feel better? Or would they laugh and laugh as i cry harder and harder. There's moments where i have nearly screamed and all i could here was a tiny yelp.

It's like there's something inside me that's stopping me.

Princess Boy

This is the story of one beautiful girl. A girl you wouldn't expect to see. A different kind of girl. This girl was special she stood out more. She was beautiful. She looked like this picture.

As you can see she's not you average princess. She's not even a she, that's why it's so precious. This is a boy called Joshua Ryan Alcorn. He is a normal boy from a normal town but he's just that extra bit extraordinary he's transgender ed. I guess this is the saddest story you can ever hear. A beautiful boy who just had one dream to be a girl was bullied, traumatised and victimised by her own parents because he had this one dream because she didn't fit in his own skin, because "there was no way out." 

He was very unhappy as you can see and so one day he wrote the end of his story he finished a book which wasn't meant to be him to write. He wrote his suicide letter. This is what it said.....

If you are reading this, it means that I have committed suicide and obviously failed to delete this post from my queue.

Please don't be sad, it's for the better. The life I would've lived isn't worth living in… because I'm transgender. I could go into detail explaining why I feel that way, but this note is probably going to be lengthy enough as it is. To put it simply, I feel like a girl trapped in a boy's body, and I've felt that way ever since I was 4. I never knew there was a word for that feeling, nor was it possible for a boy to become a girl, so I never told anyone and I just continued to do traditionally "boyish" things to try to fit in.

When I was 14, I learned what transgender meant and cried of happiness. After 10 years of confusion I finally understood who I was. I immediately told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesn't make mistakes, that I am wrong. If you are reading this, parents, please don't tell this to your kids. Even if you are Christian or are against transgender people don't ever say that to someone, especially your kid. That won't do anything but make them hate them self. That's exactly what it did to me.

My mom started taking me to a therapist, but would only take me to christian therapists, (who were all very biased) so I never actually got the therapy I needed to cure me of my depression. I only got more christians telling me that I was selfish and wrong and that I should look to God for help.

When I was 16 I realized that my parents would never come around, and that I would have to wait until I was 18 to start any sort of transitioning treatment, which absolutely broke my heart. The longer you wait, the harder it is to transition. I felt hopeless, that I was just going to look like a man in drag for the rest of my life. On my 16th birthday, when I didn't receive consent from my parents to start transitioning, I cried myself to sleep.

Alcorn apparently believed she'd never be able to transition successfully. She concludes:

After a summer of having almost no friends plus the weight of having to think about college, save money for moving out, keep my grades up, go to church each week and feel like shit because everyone there is against everything I live for, I have decided I've had enough. I'm never going to transition successfully, even when I move out. I'm never going to be happy with the way I look or sound. I'm never going to have enough friends to satisfy me. I'm never going to have enough love to satisfy me. I'm never going to find a man who loves me. I'm never going to be happy. Either I live the rest of my life as a lonely man who wishes he were a woman or I live my life as a lonelier woman who hates herself. There's no winning. There's no way out. I'm sad enough already, I don't need my life to get any worse. People say "it gets better" but that isn't true in my case. It gets worse. Each day I get worse.

That's the gist of it, that's why I feel like killing myself. Sorry if that's not a good enough reason for you, it's good enough for me. As for my will, I want 100% of the things that I legally own to be sold and the money (plus my money in the bank) to be given to trans civil rights movements and support groups, I don't give a shit which one. The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren't treated the way I was, they're treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say "that's fucked up" and fix it. Fix society. Please.

 it pains me to read this, it pains me that he walked in front of a truck and killed himself. I pains me that this beautiful story has a disgusting and painful ending. It makes me feel sick that this was the end of him that his story, the story of the princess boy has ended in tears and heartbreak.
Change society as he said.

Some people posted these tweets saying

ⓙⓤⓛⓘⓐ will remember @Unit0053

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From someones tumblr. I can't stop crying: -

7:54 AM - 30 Dec 2014

also

something @antimytheme

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Cis people: please understand that the death of #LeelahAlcorn is not a statistical outlier. This story is common, cruel, and preventable.

1:07 PM - 30 Dec 2014